Beyond the Obvious: Ignition Phiri and I

AWAY from the noxious news of gassing stories chocking the country; the big black rings and the 48 houses that built themselves, and what not, please allow me to tell you how I met Ignition Phiri. Just by his name you’d tell that the chap hails from the land of the rising sun, where rodent meat makes part of their daily diet.

NOTE: it’s only ‘Some of Us’ permitted to call Ignition ‘chap’. So don’t try it if you don’t belong to our club. Reason I call him chap and fella is simple, he challenged me to a fight and lost. Which is something I can proudly tell everyone. Thus we’d rather discuss Ignition Phiri and allow Kakoma Kanganja to do a good job so that he rounds up all those rogues trying to disturb our peace.

Now this Ignition guy was given this name because his father had a Fiat 132 that had a hard start. That was the time cars used to have carburetors. Know carburetors? Never mind! Now we have EFI, VVTi and such stuff.

You can’t miss Ignition Phiri. He drives a Toyota Corona without a virus, has two upper teeth missing and walks with a limp in his left leg. He lives in Lusaka next to State House. So everything I know about Plot One is from him. And I know all the occupants of that august house, including those silly monkeys that can pee from atop a tree. Did I say silly? No, monkeys aint silly. They are just witty. Or filly like a girl on her first date.

How did I get to be friends with Ignition? It was after a fight. He dropped a banknote and I picked it – Just like that. Then he started to call me a thief. Know what, I don’t like people calling me thief when I’m born-again. Can a person be a thief when he’s born-again? That’s the mistake Ignition made. So I gave him one uppercut and two left hooker punches. Knocking off two of his upper teeth. This is much like what Lottie Mwale did to floor Bagayogo Sounkalo, way back in the days. Before the fight, this Bagayogo told us that the sun will not rise in Bamako if he lost the fight to Gunduzani. Which is what this Ignition also wanted to brag about. That if he lost the fight to me he shall give me her sister for a mistress. He didn’t know that I once belonged to the Buchi Boys. But now I’m a churchgoer waiting for the trumpet to sound. When? Well, who knows? But being once a Buchi Boy gangster just goes to show that everyone has a past they don’t want to talk about. Some of the church elders you have today may have been uncouth UNIP vigilantees or mishanga sellers. Things change with time, in any case. Selling mishanga was once a misdemeanor. But now every ka ntemba sells sticks of the fug to those who don’t care about their health.

Ignition should have known that he cannot challenge me one on one. I need seven of his kind to stand me.

So I flogged this chap from the east. But when I demanded for my trophy he swore he has no sister, but that I can go for any Ngoni lady I so desire, which is why I can boast to say every unmarried lady from Chipata is mine for the picks. How lucky can one be? Just imagine, all those beautiful Ngoni ladies lining up for me!

It did not end here. Ignition has to top up my phone every day. This Ngoni man you’re reading about has no problem with money. He belongs to a church where the prophet does not ask for tithes and offerings. He’s one of those end time ‘men of gold’ who perform miracles, like making money appear in your bank account. Now who wouldn’t like to belong to such a church?

Did I not say I cannot compete with the likes of Ignition one on one? Of course, I did. I need seven of them against me to debate any subject. For example, which one of them can argue with me when I say flammable and inflammable are not opposite words? #Bauzechilu.
Phone/whatsapp 097 2 777 285/SM

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