I’m mindful of the different age groups which read Headline Matters every Sunday. That’s why I avoid frequently writing about lewd stuff.
But look guys, I’m among the living, just like everybody else. Why do you think I mask-up, during this fatal period? My eyes and ears are open to the realities in Senama (Mansa), Malota (Livingstone), Chamboli (Kitwe), Nkwazi (Ndola), Nabvutika (Chipata), Kyawama (Solwezi), Imwiko (Mongu), Lulamba (Chingola), Musenga (Kasama)! Makululu (Kabwe), Shampande (Choma) and Chazanga (Lusaka). You want proof for that? Read on, but with your dictionaries and Google apps open.
Just this past week, I read a rather amusing advert on an up-to-the-minute online news site, Kalemba. It was titled ‘sugar mommy wanted.’ You are lucky I have reproduced it below.
‘A 22 year old man of Lusaka is calling for applications for sugar mommies aged between 35 and 45 years from Salama Park, Chalala, Libala, Kamwala South, Kabulonga, Ibex or Emmasdale in Lusaka. He promises to be loyal, loving and romantic. Interested candidates can get in touch with him on (MTN phone number given).’
Now, with such a libidinous message, you don’t know whether to laugh or to genuinely cry. I choose to make money, anyway! I have to be lucid, from the outset, and let you know that I have no business with human trafficking.
But I have five sugar mamas on SALE. Each head, or is it cask, is fetching for K500.99 per day. That’s already 1, 001.98 for only Saturday and Sunday! Poor Chambwa is destined for opulence, thanks to teleiophilia, mesophilia and gerontophilia. Problem? Age range for the sugar mamas! But each one of them lives either in Salama Park, Chalala, Libala, Kamwala South, Kabulonga, Ibex or Emmasdale. Don’t feel lazy to Google teleiophilia, mesophilia and gerontophilia! They are merely types of chronophilia (sexual preferences).
Now, like I have affirmed, my up-for-grabs sugar mamas’ age range is a bit on the high; between 50 and 55. You have to grit your teeth to accept this deadly offer. But how else can you alarm a wayward 22-year-old BOY, if not by force-feeding them with chilli-laced cake? The nasty chilli, in this case, is the sugar mamas’ age and associated obscene price-tag. My thumb rule is that one has to pay obscene hard cash, or is it through their zip, in order to watch and touch taboo zones – especially for a quinquagenarian, sexagenarian, septuagenarian, Octogenarian. Oh! My God!
What has this country come to? I know that no two age-mates can be doing the same stuff at a particular time. But at 22, I had just started mastering media sociology, public relations concepts in journalism school. Yet a brother someone is yearning to start inspecting multi-coloured properties for full-sized mothers! What should I say apart from saying ‘God help us?’
I stand by what I wrote here last year; the average Zambian brain needs a special sanitising liquid. Otherwise, very soon some 60-year-old sugar daddy will contaminate online and offline media space with an ad, hunting for 17 years – 20 years old girls. Sadly, there will be a high turnout of applicants!
From where I stand, it’s unfortunate that in terms of sugar daddies, I have nothing in stock at the moment. Bear with me, girls! But if the passion is irresistible, WE can release the only available sample – ME. Problem? I don’t pay. That’s why I advise YOU to simply go to school and learn trigonometry, indices, vectors, reproduction, map reading, atoms and elements, and other academic theories.
Let me remain without a market for “MY” five sugar mamas. More others, between 40 years and 50 years, can CONTACT me on the number below and showcase their expertise. I expect a high turnout and while the other brother pledges to be loyal, loving and romantic, I promise ONLY to be secretive, while performing! The rest of you, my readers, PLEASE go to school. Others can go to church. Let it be so! But this is strictly nothing more than pun. Hahaha!
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