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Expedition from Promised Land with Captain Chakolwa Part 2: treason

[By Prince B M Kaping’a]

The bus was no longer in sight. It had now gathered considerable speed as it made its way along the meandering track down the breathtaking, lush green rolling Barotse plains, at breakneck speed!

“Does this thing even have brakes,” the captain suddenly asked no one in particular as he consumed the last bits of his Jameson and tossed out the bottle through the window. “I was also wondering the same….” the diminutive man who was always smiling, echoed. “Anyway, I don’t give it a damn as long as we get to the ceremony before that Kachema,” he swore as he pressed the pedal hard on the floor of the ancient bus.

The bus was now surging ahead perilously. In no time, they spotted a convoy trundling ahead of them. That could be only one person…the dreaded Kachema. The captain honked incessantly to clear the convoy out of the way, but it maintained its course. As the bus was overtaking the convoy, the captain shouted through the window, “Treason!”

“Yes…this is treason!” his passengers concurred in unison as they waved clenched fists through the windows, warningly.

As they disembarked from the bus anticipating a thunderous welcome like other places they’d been to, the villagers gave them a cold shoulder and focused on the King of ki maLozi. He was immaculately draped in a naval suit and head gear ordered from the land of Caucasians. As the King was about to jump into his gargantuan boat to ‘escape’ the impending floods, Kachema finally pitched up. The villagers shrieked with excitement as they scrambled to their feet to welcome him, ululating and dancing joyously. The captain and his crew were seething with uncontrollable rage. They immediately retreated to a corner in the big tent to plot their next move.

“Let’s apprehend this villager from Monze and show him we’re in charge,” the man in expensive outfit and scary eyes exploded, as he caressed the pistol in his holster. “We can’t arrest him while he’s here,” captain Chakolwa reasoned. “His relatives… ki malozi will skin us alive!”

They thus resolved to go and pounce on him once they were back in Lusaka, and charge him with high treason for endangering captain Chakolwa.

Immediately the royal barge was out of sight with the King of ki maLozi safely on board, they dashed to jump back onto the bus. Clearly exhausted and inebriated, captain Chakolwa missed a step and tripped on the burning sand. His minders hastily lifted him up and dusted him up before the rest of the crowd could witness the embarrassing incident.

“Kachema is to blame for all this,” the smiling one was raging with anger. “He must be punished for causing all this embarrassment.”

When they finally got back to Lusaka, they gathered in the colonial mansion where they took time downing one bottle of Jameson after another as they waited for the right time to make a move. It was well after midnight when they realised there was nothing left to drink. “Well…let’s do this thing…,” Captain Chakolwa waffled as he staggered to his feet. Knowing that Kachema was safely back at home during that time, captain Chakolwa and his goons scaled the brick fence and besieged his house. Their faces were covered in masks to avoid being identified. They were armed to the tooth! They immediately got to work banging on the doors and windows using bats of the guns and fists as they ordered Kachema to “open up” in slurred tones. By the time they finally gained entry into the house, Kachema was nowhere in sight. “Just as I suspected,” the smiling one proclaimed as he sniffed around like a mongrel. “I’ve a hunch Kachema has used strong muti to make himself invincible. I’ve to immediately perform some rituals on his bed to subdue him.”

He stripped off his clothes and jumped onto Kachema’s King-size bed. He went on to offload all the contents of his stomach on the bed as he chanted some monotonous words. In the meantime, Captain Chakolwa was busy rummaging through the fridges in search of Jameson as he threw numerous bottles of juice around in frustration. By this time, the diminutive man who was always smiling was done with his rituals. Meanwhile, the overpowering stench from fecal matter wafted around the house until no room was spared. The odour was so strong that it chocked Kachema in the bunker where he was holed-up. He desperately emerged out of hiding gasping for fresh air. They tied him up and bundled him into the pan of a Landcruiser littered with dog poo and drove him away to the penitentiary where they kept hardcore criminals. They confined him in what seemed like a doghouse for the next 129 days.

Each day that ensued, they hurled him before the court attempting to convince the judge to keep searching the Constitution for any law that would sustain his treason charge. Finally, the judge got fed up of their monkey tricks. “This man you keep bringing before me is clearly innocent,” the judge snarled as his small eyes swept across the courtroom to find Captain Chakolwa. “I am now ordering that you release him so that he can go home to be with his family!”

Next episode, we tackle GASSING.

The author is a political and social commentator.

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